Soldiers' Secretary
by Enide Dear
Summary: Sephiroth has got himself into trouble with his young secretary. Angeal, Genesis and Zack tries to help but of course messes up things even worse. Thus enter the Turks...


"Gentlemen." Sephiroth stepped into Angeal's office, nodding at the two other assembled First Class Soldiers and their puppy. "I require some assistance. It appears I've got a young woman into trouble."

That caused quite a bit more reactions than he had anticipated, but he was at least pleased that they took the matter seriously. Jaws dropped, eyes bulged and Zack seemed to have developed some sort of giggle cough.

"Well, Sephiroth, I didn't think you had it in you." Genesis managed with equal parts astonishment and cattiness. "I barely thought you knew how to spank the monkey."

Annoyed, Sephiroth frowned. Why did people always assume he was evil simply because he was a Soldier?

"I assure you I oppose cruelty to animals of all kinds," he said with icy chill. He didn't understand why Genesis thought this a good time to bring up the subject of animal abuse either. Then he frowned. "Does your puppy require medical attention, Angeal? It appears his coughs have caused him to fall under the table."

"Never mind Zack." Angeal, at least, could be counted on to take matters seriously, as Genesis seemed quite stunned. "Sephiroth, this is a serious violation of ShinRa policies. How far along is it?"

"Seven or eight months, I gather." A bit uncomfortable, Sephiroth admitted. "I am not an expert on these matters."

"No, you wouldn't be, lab-boy." Genesis muttered just loud enough to be sure he could be heard by mako-ears and then added in a normal voice. "Well, that is far too late to do anything about it. You are just going to do right by the poor girl. Who is it, anyway?"

"My secretary." The Silver General made a vague kind of gesture in the air. "I was sent a new one about a year ago and…well…things just got out of hand, I suppose. The next thing I knew she was in my pants. I have no idea what to do about the situation."

Sensing the genuine desperation in the confession, Angeal put an arm over the broad, silvery shoulders.

"I am sorry, Sephiroth, but you did bring this on yourself, you know. You must do the honorable thing, of course." Angeal squeezed him a little, feeling the enormous tension the light touch caused in the other man. He wondered how anyone, even a young secretary, could ever have managed to get into the Silver Hero's pants. Actually he spent quite a lot of time thinking about that, which might not be very honorable. "We will of course help you out in any way we can."

Sephiroth nodded, but the look on his face was dejected and confused enough that even Zack managed to contain his giggle fit enough to crawl out from under the table and Genesis sighed.

"Let's go look at this secretary of yours then." He said firmly and perhaps just a bit jealous. "I simply must see the woman who managed to get into your into trouble."

"She doesn't look pregnant at all!" Zack exclaimed in a hiss, crouching and peeking around the door frame. The four of them were snooping just outside Sephiroth's office reception area were a young woman was too busy trying to keep up with the paperwork produced by a mako-enhanced and anal-retentive general to notice the four faces hovering at the door frame.

"Pregnant? I wouldn't think so. Why should she be?" Sephiroth glanced perplexed at the spiky-haired young man.

"You said you got her in trouble! You said she got into your pants!" Genesis snarled from his crouch under Angeal, who stood on tip-toe to glance inside.

Reno and Rude happened by just then but decided that whatever it was that had driven four First Class Soldiers out of Sephiroth's office like naughty schoolboys, it could wait until after their coffee break.

"Are you all blind? Look at her!" The general hissed back at his friends, ignoring the curious passing by Turks.

They looked. And then they looked again.

"Oh. Oh!" Zack managed to swallow another giggle fit.

"Is she…she is wearing black leather pants, isn't she?" Angeal gaped.

"*My* leather pants, thank you."

"Holy crap, I hope that deep cleavage sets a trend with the other secretaries." Zack mumbled appreciatively. The woman's shirt was opened from the neck all the way down to the belly button. Her black shirt. Her black leather shirt.

"She's even trying to walk like you." Genesis said stunned. "In pumps! Didn't think that was even possible."

"Man, she does not have the ass for those pants." Zack added and nudged the general. "Not like you, sir."

"Yes, yes." A small tick had developed over Sephiroth's left eye, as sure a sign that he was freaked out by the situation as if he's been running around shouting. "The question is, what do I do about it? The president himself has told me to ratify the situation." He turned hopefully to Angeal, but the heavy-boned man just shook his head, eyes wide.

"I honestly have no idea."

"You said you would help!"

"Yes, but I thought you had knocked her up! Not caused her to raid the nearest leather bondage market!" Angeal rubbed his eyes. "Why doesn't anyone ever have normal problems around here?"

"Hi!" A chirpy voice from behind made all four of them jump high which unfortunately caused four dents to appear in the ceiling above them. Damn mako. They turned around with the guilty faces of boys caught with their hands in the cookie jar.

Elena smiled up at them, two heads shorter than anyone of them and all innocent, bubbly cheer. It didn't fool anyone of them; she'd looked the same that one time she stabbed an imposter that had got to close to Rufus. Stabbed him in the groin, all the while smiling sweetly. Her bimbo act was as phony as Reno's deceptive laziness or Rude's false slowness. The latter two had got their coffee and was now watching the show with interest from across the room. Reno had brought popcorns.  
Elena cocked her head and smiled at them. The Soldiers took a step back, Genesis trying to hide behind Angeal.

"This is Sephiroth's problem," he said a bit too quickly. "Not ours. I'm not getting in your debt again. That damn video is still all over the net."

"What video?" Angeal frowned.

"Oh, an, ah, dancing instruction thing she made me do for helping me out with a thing." Genesis gestured vaguely in the air.

"A thing?" Angeal's frown grew darker.

"Yes. A thing. Never mind that, look at Sephiroth's secretary!" Quickly shifting the attention, Genesis waved at the office.

Elena looked inside and giggled sweetly, causing Zack to hide his groin behind his hands.

"Aw, that is so sweet! The poor silly girl is infatuated with you!" She winked at Sephiroth.

"What? How do you know?"

Elena pouted a little and blew a bubblegum bubble. It was pink. Then she smiled again.

"Poor girl is just a bit deluded. She needs a girl-to-girl talk. I'll do it, don't worry, you'll just owe me a tiny favour!" Before anyone could think of stopping her, she had bounced into the office and up to the secretary. The Soldiers quickly hid behind the door again. Reno and Rude waved friendly at them.

"Oh, this is going to end so bad." Genesis whined.

Elena came back surprisingly fast, looking happy.

"All set!" She explained. "You will have no more problems with her dressing like you, general."

"What did you do?" Sephiroth asked intrigued.

"Oh,I just told the girl that instead of dressing like the one she fancies, she should start dressing like the one *you*fancy, general."

Angeal and Genesis snorted.

"Good luck with that." Zack said. "The rest of us have been trying to figure that out for months."

Elena gave them a pitying look, as if they were slightly daft children.

"Yes, but you are not *women*, sirs." Bouncing away, she waved at Sephiroth. "See you tonight, general! Bring ballet shoes and tights!"

Sephiroth looked like he'd panic.

"I wonder if there is any progress?" Walking down the corridor to their friend's office, the three Soldiers were rather curious.

"It's only been a week. We can't expect too much, puppy." Angeal warned but he too was walking with quick strides, curious to see what the secretary was up to.

"Nothing will have happened. The Turks are wrong this time." Genesis pouted. "We're his friends after all. If we haven't noticed Sephiroth having a love interest then no one will."

"Talking of which, have you seen that video Elena posted? Damn, Seph can kick high in ballet tights!" Zack exclaimed.

"Everyone on the planet has seen that one by now." Angeal still couldn't hide a grin at the thought. "I especially liked the twirling myself."

The three of them were cut off short as a looming silver shadow appeared outside the doorway leading to his office, and by default his secretary's.

"No." Sephiroth's scowl loud have scared lesser men shitless. "You are not going in there. You are not seeing… her."

The three Soldiers stared at him. Then they exchanged a look.

Zack dashed to the right, Genesis to the left and Angeal went straight towards Sephiroth. It still wouldn't have worked – no one got past Sephiroth – except that both Genesis and Zack cheated. Instead of trying to dodge around the general, they simply barged through the wall.

"No!" Sephiroth shouted, dropping Angeal, but it was too late.

All of them stared at the secretary, who stared gaping back at the ruckus and unannounced people coming in through the walls.

"Oh my….is that a *trooper* uniform?!" Genesis gaped.

"And what have she done to her hair! It's even spikier than mine!" Zack exclaimed.

"Huh." Angeal picked himself up from the floor. "First time I've seen a machine gun being used as a paperweight."

Sephiroth groaned and buried his face. The ballet video he could live with. But he'd never live down this.


End file.
